as old man came to me and asked me to fix his phone, i told him nothing was wrong with his phone and then he said how come my son doesn't call me anymore then?, the feels
really hardcore kid, my coworker just told me about a kid he knew in second grade that was really allergic to peanuts but one day during lunch he said he couldn't take it anymore and wanted to know what recess taste like, so he pulled out his epicene, ate the reese cup then stabbed himself with the epipen and told the teach to call the hospital
you know hitler was from germany, he was from austria, then how come you never saw him with kangaroos, that'-s, or a boomerang
I was recently riding with a friend of mine.

We were coming to a red light, and he shoots right through it. I ask him, “Why’d you do that?” He tells me this is how his brother drives.

We come to another red light, and again, he shoots right through it. I ask him, “Why’d you do that?” Again, he tells me this is how his brother drives.

We come to a green light, and he slams on the brakes. My heart nearly goes into my throat. I shouted at him, “Why do you do that?!”

He replied, “You never know, my brother could be coming the other way.”

Need to iron a shirt but don’t have time? Hang it up in the bathroom while you shower and the steam combined with the heat will cause the wrinkles to come out.

If you’ve just met someone but you forget their name simply ask them what their name is. When they tell you, say “no, I meant your last name.” This way you don’t seem rude while being reminded of what their name is.

Want a cold beer but don’t want to wait? Take a wet paper towel and wrap it around the can or bottle. Place the beer upright in the freezer and it will be nicely chilled within two minutes.

Want to get more gasoline for your buck? Fill up your tank when it’s cold out. This is easy during the winter, but during warmer months, try to fill it up only at night. During the day gasoline expands due to the heat, so you’re not getting as much as you pay for.

Here’s a nice rule and it will serve you well when eating out, especially on a date. If you can’t afford to tip at least 20%, you can’t afford to go out.

Hate bad hair days, especially when it’s humid because your hair is so frizzy? Squeeze some lemon in to your shampoo bottle, the acidity will cause your hair to be less frizzy.

If you are ever worried about a cab driver scamming you by taking a longer route, put the destination in the GPS on your phone, this way it’s impossible for him to screw you over.

If you’re trying to lose weight, don’t fast. When you skip meals your body actually holds on to fat longer as it doesn’t know when it will be getting its next calorie boost, thus making it harder to burn calories from fat.

Statistically, airplane tickets are cheapest around 50 days before the flight. The second cheapest is the day of the flight because the airline is pressed to fill seats.

Drinking cold water on an empty stomach can greatly increase your metabolism. Your body has to work harder to warm the water up for digestion.