A man came home from work sporting two black eyes.

“What happened to you?” asked his wife.

“I’ll never understand women,” he replied. “I was riding up an escalator behind this pretty young girl, and I noticed that her skirt was stuck in the crack of her ass. So I pulled it out, and she turned around and punched me in the eye!”

“I can certainly appreciate that,” said the wife. “But how did you get the second black eye?”

“Well, I figured she liked it that way,” said the husband, “so I pushed it back in.”

A mother and father are snooping around in their son’s bedroom.

Being a bit nosy, they search around the room to see if their son is hiding anything “naughty.”

The father checks under the bed and, in shock, sees tons of BDSM and bondage tapes, DVDs, and magazines.

The mother couldn’t breathe.

It took her a while to say “Oh my god! What should we do about this?!

The father replied “We shouldn’t spank him, that’s for sure.”