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(EXCLUDE NSFW CONTENT)
woke up this morning with a cup of water and a note next to my bed saying for hungover me
i took a sip and it was vodka
drunk me is such a douchebag
this is amazing
we just waited an hour to see our pediatrician
as soon as he walked in my toddler took his hand and pointed to his watch and said
this is a clock
which was the most passive aggressive thing i have ever witnessed
took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy
samsung has a new fridge that allows you to speak to your fridge and get responses
whoo took my shit?
i ain't no snitch
reaches for the socket
nigga it was your lil bro!
zheng shi was a sex worker in canton who was captured and wedded to a pirate lord and so quickly proved her ability to command that she took over and commanded 300+ ships and 40000 men